Chinese Banquets

I attended the wedding reception of one of my college friends today, and it struck me just how... formulaic the food there is. I have nothing against good food, mind you, but I have noticed that in every single Chinese Wedding I have ever attended, there has only been a single menu. And thus I provide:

Pointyman's guide to the modern Chinese Banquet:

Hot and Cold Cuts
- This means seaweed, roasted pork slices, sliced century eggs, sliced soy chicken and whatever else they can slice and put in there to look good.

Steamed Prawn in Garlic Sauce
- I can't complain about this. I'm a big fan of tiger prawns swimming in garlic. I'm glad this is a staple of these big multi-course meals.

Hot and Sour Soup
- Technically, it could be any kind of soup, but most of the time it is this favorite of most Filipino Chinese families that gets served, alongside some black vinegar to add to the taste.

Abalone and Mushrooms served on a bed of lettuce in Brown Sauce
- I have never been able to decipher brown sauce. It goes well with the Abalones and Mushrooms though. A word of warning however, there are some Chinese restaurants that serve this with Abalones straight from a can. While that normally shouldn't be too bad (we're all allowed to cheat now and then after all), the bad part is if they're improperly drained and not left to soak. The result is tough abalone meat that tastes like battery acid.

Steamed Fish in Soy Sauce
- It's really difficult to make a mistake with this, so if you're ever in a Chinese restaurant, you can pretty much order this and expect to have a pleasant viand to go with your rice. I personally prefer plain white rice to go with this, but some people can't get enough of their Yang Chow Fried Rice.

Fried Pigeon and Prawn Crackers
- Fried Pigeon is pretty good stuff... if you don't fear heart disease. I stayed away from this one, but I do have enough happy memories of having this before as a child to satisfy me. Don't feel sorry for the birds, eat up, it's good stuff.
- As a side note, the puffy prawn crackers more commonly known here by it's endearing name of kropek is something that kids can't seem to get enough of. Then again, it's deep fried, crunchy, and they provide hours of entertainment to children.

Obligatory Meat Dish
- The name speaks for itself. Normally, there's some sort of meat dish here, usually Braised Beef. Being no longer a beef eater, I am unable to provide additional tips aside from this: floss well.

Crabstick and Mango Rolls
- Japanese synthetic crabsticks and ripe mango cubes in mayonnaise folded into a flour wrapper, coated in bread crumbs and then deep fried. Dying by gastronomy was never this good.

Steamed Crab
- Ah yes, steamed crab. Admittedly the crowning moment for a lot of these events (at least for the eating half). I'm sure the bride and groom were preoccupied by the various songs, games and whatnot to appreciate it last night. Anyway, hardly a complicated dish, large crabs cleaned then steamed red with some ginger inside the top shell to get rid of any leftover smell, helpfully cracked in all the right places to assist in the more dainty of the guests to enjoy their meal.
- The crab also serve as a secondary form of entertainment to the guests, as flying splinters of crab shell from overzealous eaters tend to fly unerringly into the designer gowns. I wore a ready to wear short sleeved button down shirt, and thus was immune to the emotional stress that could have been caused by such an incident.

Noodles
- Well, of course there are the noodles. Swimming in sauce and filled with pork slices, beans, carrots and the occasional orange colored quail eggs, these noodles represent long life. Everyone is familiar with this stuff, and this scores as one of the most kid friendly foods on the menu.

Dessert
- A rather interesting way to cap off the meal, desserts in Chinese Banquets are always fruit based. Anything from intricate Fruit Platters sliced to highlight the creativity of the chef, Mango and Tapioca Shakes to the less than stellar Fruit Cocktail straight from the can.

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And there you have it. The quick and dirty guide to Chinese Banquets (in the Philippines at least). So the next time you're invited to a Chinese Banquet for any occasion, watch out for the usual suspects. As for me, any Chinese Banquet is like meeting and old friend.

"Hello, Mister Crab!"